


I sing your restless longing

by everythingispoetry



Series: If die, only in Manhattan [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cancer, Friendship, Gen, Identity Issues, Illnesses, Internal Monologue, Secret Identity, Terminal Illnesses, Triple Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-23
Updated: 2013-04-23
Packaged: 2017-12-09 06:39:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/771182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everythingispoetry/pseuds/everythingispoetry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>‘So, how do I look, Scott, honey?’ Tony asks, turning around to present himself to the man. Scott squints theatrically and takes a few moments to reply.</em><br/><em>‘I know that it’s still you,’ he decides, ‘but if I didn’t know, I wouldn’t guess.’</em><br/><em>‘Perfect then,’ Tony laughs.</em><br/>Becoming someone else requires radical physical changes, but - not only. Definitely not only.</p><p>(Part 5: January 2012)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I sing your restless longing

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks everyone who commented so far! <3
> 
> Music for this piece: [David Bowie - Heroes](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3SjCzA71eM)
> 
> This is _still_ a fill for [ this avengerkink prompt](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/15292.html?thread=33895612#t33895612) asking for Tony with cancer. 
> 
> Title from Lorca's _Ode to Salvador Dali_.

Tony gets to London in the afternoon of the local time, flying in the invisible Iron Man suit straight to Nate’s apartment, and Mister Jarvis Junior – Edwin’s son who’s been invisibly taking care of Tony’s affairs in Great Britain and well, Europe in general – is waiting for him, with hot tea ready to be poured into porcelain cups at any time.

‘What do I call you now?’ he asks as soon as Tony takes the helmet of. It’s a valid question.

It took Tony a long time to stop Scott from calling him _sir_ , what the man has been insisting on even though he’s not much older than Tony himself.

‘You know I answer to both Tony and Nate just the same,’ Tony replies, rolling his eyes, as JARVIS makes the suit unwrap and the armor is standing behind Tony a moment later. ‘I’ve only got… six hours until I need to be at the airport. Three hours before the flight leaves, so boring. I haven’t flown a commercial flight in _years_.’

Scott makes is seven people that know about Tony’s decision – and four that know about Iron Man, too –  as Tony had to tell Levy and two nurses what’s going on. His new radiologist will meet Nate Rives and not Tony Stark, since his true identity is irrelevant at that point.

‘Oh, so you have flown a commercial flight before?’ Scott asks with fake surprise, filling the cups with coffee and milk and offering Tony one. ‘What do you want to do first, then?’

‘The hair,’ Tony decides and sits down to drink the tea. ‘Just a moment. Give me a moment – how has everything been here?’

‘Same old, same old…. Still raining and I’m still waiting for that thing you promised to make for me to make the rain disappear in one kilometer radius.’

‘I’ve been kind of busy –’

‘With other things, I know, of course,’ Scott cuts in, takes the last sip of his drink and sets the cup down. ‘Although it would be nice if you did manage to make me something like that at some point…’

‘I won’t,’ Tony replies seriously. ‘I won’t, but Nate might, he’s going to have helluva more free time than me.’

‘You sure that is a good idea?’ Scott, the perceptive beast, asks; he knows Tony well enough to be aware that Tony having too much free time ends in with doing something impossibly stupid, impossibly brave – or with feeling depressed. No good options.

‘I’ll have my time filled enough with things, just not things I _have to_ do, this time I choose. That feels like so great… And I have a few things in my mind. I will tell you later, when I know it’s even possible.’

‘Sure. Though I don’t know if I want to know.’

‘It’s nothing that terrible,’ Tony counters, but doesn’t elaborate.

When they are finished with the tea and biscuits, it’s time to make all things real; it requires some science Tony’s been working on, some handicraft, and some little obvious everyday changes.

First thing, with Scott’s help: shaving the hair off. _All of it_. The facial hair and the hair on Tony’s head – that’s a strange feeling, he’s never had it like that before, it’s like – like he can feel the air swirling around his head, all of sudden.

He laughs and Scott rolls his eyes again as he puts the electric shaver away.

The first thought that comes to Tony’s mind after that, when he looks at his reflection in the mirror, is: _so, this is how I would look like if I was regularly getting chemo?_ He doesn’t look like himself. He hasn’t shaved the goatee off since – since he took over SI and decided to play an adult. Twenty years ago.

‘Now, you’re gonna be like a teenage girl before prom,’ Scott tells him, taking the henna set in and putting it in front of Tony. Tony’s natural hair is brown, but not very dark; they have thought about bleaching the eyebrows and eyelashes, but that’s too much bother and it would look a bit too ridiculous for Tony’s liking. So they make it black instead, and pluck the eyebrows to make the line thinner; it’ll need to be repeated two-three times a month, as long as Tony will have plans of going out as _Nate_.

The next puzzle piece – Tony’s science comes in here – he’s made special _medicine_ thingy that alters melatonin in skin a bit and makes it appear a few shades darker, as if after a few days of sunbathing in Hawaii. Biology is not Tony’s usual field of work, but he’s a genius, so he figured out everything he needed. And – Tony Stark has been mostly living in lab-office-workshop all his life, no exotic holidays recently, he’s been rather pale; maybe not sickly pale, but kind of close. Neither the cave nor Iron Man suit have helped there.

So, it’s taking a few long steps away from what Tony Stark is, was, whatever…

When all of that is done, two more easily-done things: colored contacts, Tony has brown eyes, Nate’s are green. And glasses, only to – divert potential watcher’s attention; he’s bought a normal black thick-rimmed Ray Ban; no point in buying any of his usual brands, that would be just giving clues away.

Then, everything done, Tony has JARVIS take a photo of his face via his laptop’s camera, and put it next to the one he’s made at the beginning of the story, in October. It’s really not likely that someone will notice the similarities, especially that Tony’s made sure no one would actually be looking for him, leaving Pepper a note that basically said that he’s leaving and not coming back and not much more.

But she will understand, he keeps telling himself. She will.

‘So, how do I look, Scott, honey?’ Tony asks, turning around to present himself to the man. Scott squints theatrically and takes a few moments to reply.

‘I know that it’s still you,’ he decides, ‘but if I didn’t know, I wouldn’t guess.’

‘Perfect then,’ Tony laughs.

He really _doesn’t_ feel like himself – like Stark.

Clothes are easy: no one really sees Tony in anything other than suits – the whole world – or oil-stained, dirty worn-out clothing – that’s Pepper, Happy, Rhodey, Obie and some engineers that he collaborated with.

Nate wears green chinos and plain t-shirts and perfectly clean sneakers. With the radiation and everything, Tony’s lost some weight but he’s been hiding that perfectly, and following doctors’ advice he will no longer do his usual workout, that was a rather strenuous thing, and even with the physical activity he is – or soon will be – fit for, he knows he will drop twenty pounds of solely muscle _easily_.

There: a whole new person.

Neither him nor Tony have a shiny trinket embedded in their bodies, shining the same blue that Iron Man’s chest piece has.

 

 

The four hours that Tony has left in Great Britain he spends in a pub with Scott; somehow, lunch including mashed peas and Eton mess sound strangely appealing today. It has been some time since Tony has visited the country – well, Europe in general – and it’s nice to breathe fresher air and hear the different accent for once.

It doesn’t take long for Tony to _feel_ Nate Rives’ vibe; he’s been impersonating the man a few times before when he wanted to get away from everyone the way that he wouldn’t be found, an impossible feat when he goes out as Tony Stark.

It’s been years – the neighborhood feels familiar, though, as if he hasn’t left it at all: the same trees, so big that the growth is impossible to notice. The same brick houses, in neat rows, one by one, one by one… Mostly the same shops and cafés, as if time has stopped.

It would be easy to believe that everything that has happened within Tony’s three-year-long absence was a lie, an illusion, a dream.

Tony and Scott walk back to the apartment on foot; when they get there, it’s only half an hour before Tony has to leave. He briefly looks at the suitcase he’s got packed with Nate’s clothes and some personal items that are necessary to make everything look natural and unsuspicious.

Before going out, Tony puts on a special device he’s made to prevent the arc reactor from being picked out by metal detectors – it would be kind of difficult to explain something like that in your chest.

‘I will see you when you come to visit.  Soon, I hope?’

‘Sorry I’m gonna miss the housewarming party,’ Scott sighs and gives Tony a hug before shoving him into the car.

‘Not much of a party,’ Tony sighs, closing the door behind himself. ‘Just me, Happy, Doc and a handful of insane robots. Kind of like being in college all over again…’

‘Well, at least you won’t get completely drunk, will you?’

‘Doc would kill me,’ Tony laughs. It’s difficult to stifle the nervousness in his voice. ‘But who knows, I might try anyway…’

Scott laughs, too, and drives Tony to Heathrow in a suspiciously short time, even though it doesn’t _feel_ as if he was breaking any laws. Not that Tony is paying much attention to that.

‘See you in the U.S., _Nate_ ,’ Scott says, giving him a final hug before Tony takes his suitcase and walks away, waving the man a goodbye.

No talking from now on, to get in-character.

 

 

The flight is so, so long and noisy and uncomfortable, even in first class. Tony decides it’s more comfy to fly the New York to Afghanistan route in the suit than spend all the time sitting in a strange armchair that makes Tony’s back and chest hurt for no apparent reason. It takes him three hours – what equals one and a half of a terrible movie and a meal he doesn’t even feel like eating – to take a few of the sleeping pills Doc gave him. He spends the next few hours in a blissful slumber, waking up conveniently half an hour before the landing.

When he walks out of the plane, among other _normal_ people, he feels _naked_.

It’s a mixture of valid sensations, because his head is _bald_ and his face _clean-shaven_ , and a – metaphysical feeling. There are no eyes on him, no stares, no whispers; he’s just nobody, just another nobody people see and then forget, and yet he feels just as exposed as he always did as Stark.

It’s going to take some weeks to unlearn that and to stop expecting someone to ask him for autograph or a photo or something like that.

Setting his foot down on the ground is like being there for the first time ever.  Then an officer  checks Tony’s documents and hands them back to Tony who manages not to cringe at something being put into his hand, and the man says:

‘Welcome to the United States of America, Mister Rives.’

Tony smiles for what feels like an eternity.

It’s only a second though, then he nods at the man and walks past him to get to the exit and find Happy who is waiting for him in a totally common and not ostentatious black Audi.

‘To the apartment, boss?’ Happy asks as soon as Tony gets into the car.

‘You’re probably the only person who doesn’t have a problem with what they should call me – even if it’s just four of us –’

‘So Scott knows?’  Happy asks, starting the engine.

‘Well, Scott always knows everything, just like you,’ Tony offers and sinks into the chair, giving in to the smooth movements of the car.

It’s strange how different New York seems to look behind the windows, it feels much less familiar than Nate’s neighborhood in London – maybe that’s just autosuggestion, Tony figures – even though Tony knows the area of Nate’s apartment very well.

It’s a far call from Tony Stark’s one, but it’s all Tony needs now. He’s bought the place a long time ago, more or less  ten years – it’s the top floor of one of the big tenement houses. There is an amazing view and a simple stylish loft-like interior; it’s not very big but has everything that Tony needs. Also, the good thing is that if you offer enough money, no one asks questions. No one asks _Nate_ questions.

The space is basically divided in even halves: one of them has been long turned into a lab/workshop where the bots and two suits are, just in case; there are about three people in the universe that have access to that area. The other part is a regular living space, with bedrooms, bathroom and an open space of living room and kitchen. The interior is simple and shouts _Nate_ all over, being devoid of modern art pieces, expensive alcohols and useless but expensive items that all have been always present in Tony Stark’s house and offices.

The rest of the suits and Tony’s real workshop are in a house the family has owned for _ages_ , but not in the Stark Mansion – Tony doesn’t feel like going back there at all, not to mention that everyone knows it’s his and there is bound to be security he’s have to play with. The other house is a few dozen blocks away and neither Tony nor Howard have ever lived there. It has three underground levels though, only one of them is _public_ – the garage – and the other two, much deeper, Tony has turned, just in case, into a workspace.

There has always been a big probability of him needing somewhere where he could hide from the world, and now the time has come.

So as soon as they get to the apartment, Tony unpacks the suitcase, makes himself a couple of sandwiches and asks Happy to watch some movie with him; it’s after eight now and Tony feels a bit disoriented because all the time changes; he isn’t tired though, thanks to all the hours he’s slept on the plane.

In the end, after the movie, Happy goes to his room and Tony can’t fall asleep even though he probably should: radiation starts tomorrow at 8 a.m.

There isn’t anything he has to do now: all the projects he’s been working on were completed before the surgery or before he had to leave his Tower apartment, there is not even a single thing that has pending status for the first time – for the first time ever, probably. Tony can’t really remember the times before Howard started to give him things to do and deadlines to accompany the tasks, stating that it will only _teach the boy some discipline._

Imagining the amount of time he has to fill now – by himself, without obligations and necessities – makes him feel a bit strange and confused, but it’s all good feelings. He could get used to that: it’s finally making all the decisions freely, even if that seems absurd as he’s had the money and position to make bargains for decades. He has just never really let himself make the right decisions.

‘JARVIS, what do I do now?’ he asks the A.I. around midnight, because he usually seems to have an unexpected answers for whatever crazy question Tony might ask.

‘Sir?’

Apparently, he doesn’t make sense even to his mind-reading friend now. That, or JARVIS doesn’t have answers; it seems wrong to even think that, though.

‘I’m – I’m starting everything anew. How do people do that?’

‘I believe hardly anyone does that, sir,’ JARVIS comments and falls silent. ‘And, it’s not everything –’

‘You know what I mean,’ Tony sighs and drags himself up from the sofa where he’s been hoping he would fall asleep. If he’s not going to, then he can as well grab a cup of coffee. ‘It just, you know – it feels so… empty. There have been, always, circumstances, pushes, needs, necessities, and now it’s all gone; Nate, he doesn’t have a life like that –’

‘You don’t need any external motivation, sir. You’ve got enough drive and thirst for creating to sustain a hundred regular people –’

‘Is that scientific data, or did you just make that up?’

‘I believe it’s an accurate assumption,’ JARVIS offers, making Tony chuckle.

‘I don’t know if I made the right decision,’ Tony explains, moving his hand instinctively to run it through his hair but – _ah._ There just isn’t anything there. He has almost, almost managed to forget.

‘If I may, sir, according to advice that can be found online, everything seems clearer and easier in the morning. So perhaps you shouldn’t worry…’

‘You quote _internet_ self-help websites to me now? I can’t believe I call you an artificial _intelligence._ , baby,’ Tony comments, shaking his head disbelievingly, then he finally drags himself to the kitchen corner and presses absentmindedly the right buttons to make his favorite kind of coffee.

‘I don’t have my own advice to offer, sir – I am a computer program and therefore I can’t don’t know how to give you answers other than based on statistics I can access and you know that perfectly well.’

‘Guess I do,’ Tony murmurs and goes silent for some time, sipping the coffee slowly. ‘There is no looking back – no going back now,’ he tells JARVIS and saying it aloud makes it feel real, makes a shiver run through his body.

‘I have calculated the estimation for your plan working, sir, if you are interested,’ the A.I. offers when Tony is done with the drink.

‘Plan?’

‘Keeping Nate Rives and Iron Man separate to the whole world,’ JARVIS explains and Tony nods in agreement. ‘With current variables, the possibility of someone connecting those two is 1.3 percent.  Unless the variables change, sir, you are completely safe with this identity.’

‘That’s great, J,’ Tony murmurs, but he’s aware that it doesn’t sound enthusiastic at all.

He has grown used to the comfort of being Tony Stark –  a certain someone, without needing to evaluate or prove himself; even in the cave he was still the same person, just some parts of him were more pronounced and others less visible.

And now – there are no expectations.

It didn’t feel like leaving a lot behind, but now he has nothing – no, that’s not it. He is no one. He can choose who to become for the _remaining_ months.

It’s – it’s a blessing he knows most people aren’t given.

There are a lot of great plans that he has and not enough time.

‘No looking back, J,’ he states firmly. ‘I need to do – to do more now. Of whatever I am going to do. We’ll figure this out, okay? I need to do everything on 200%, as long as I will be able to; it’s not like that will help much _overall_ , right J, let’s say I’ve got three years instead of thirty you say I should have, that means I should be doing 1000% to compensate – but,’ Tony stops there for a moment and blinks, ‘why am I even talking this nonsense? You should make me shut up, J –’

‘As if that was possible –’

‘– cut the sass, baby, or I will dismantle you,’ Tony threatens jokingly and gets up to put the empty mug into the dishwasher.

‘That isn’t the most creative of your threats, sir – and may I remind you that you don’t know how to  function without me anymore?’

‘I don’t know how I manage to live _with_ you,’ Tony whines, but he knows JARVIS can understand perfectly the tone of his voice. ‘I like this – I like everything about this. The only things that scares me is that now, when the game is on, we’ll be playing it till the end and we can’t make a single wrong move… But okay. No more lamenting. Next time, really shut me up when I start doing that, J,’ Tony states firmly and walks through the apartment quietly, careful not to wake Happy up.

Despite all he doubts, he knows he is exactly where he wants to be, or he will be soon enough, when his friends will know the truth. He is a fucking hero. That seems like an indulgent thing to say, but he figures he can let himself think that because there is a lot of truth to it, even if no one knows.

In his room, he puts on all the thermal clothing that seems right for the cold outside, completed with a hat, gloves and shiny new shoes, and goes out to run through the city.

Enough slacking off. He is not that dying _yet_. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading! Please let me know your opinions. I would love to know what you think about Tony/Nate changes and if you can picture what is described here :)
> 
>  
> 
> Next part, _The city of fear_ , will hopefully be what you are all waiting for, covering the events of the Avengers team really coming together, including Thor and Cap, the Chitauri and a few other important moments :)


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